The Spark | Expectations, dissonance and perspective
Hello friends,
Gosh, it’s been a while between ‘Sparks’, hasn’t it?! I wanted to get in touch prior to the end of the year to send a few wee encouragements: ‘You’re nearly there!’, ‘Just keep going!’ and ‘You got this!’ to support you through to the end of another <insert your own adjective here> year.
What would your key adjective for this year be? Mine would be arduous. Next year I’m manifesting ‘effortless’! How about you?
In this edition I thought it was timely, given the festive season can feel like a rollercoaster of emotions, to share a few thoughts about expectations. I hope you find it useful.
Remember to be kind to yourself, be kind to others and make time to do the simple things that you know bring you joy and fill your cup.
Anna x
Insight
My daughter, Neve, has just returned from 6 months travelling in Europe. Whilst she was having the most incredible time exploring places I’ve only dreamed of visiting, lots of people were asking me, “are you missing her?”
Surprisingly, I found myself answering, “not as much as I miss her when she’s at home.” Weird, right? What I realised is that while Neve was officially away overseas I had no expectation of seeing her at all, and as a result, my expectations and reality were in alignment - no dissonance at all - I got exactly what I expected.
In contrast, when Neve’s ‘at home’, like any typical 18-year-old she has a string of exciting engagements, most of which don’t involve her Mumma, which means that she’s often out and about and I rarely clap eyes on her! My expectations (unrealistic though they may be) and reality are out of alignment, which creates dissonance, and in this instance has me feeling ‘I’m missing her’.
This is just a teeny example of the trap that many of us can fall into when we hold unrealistic expectations. Have you ever felt frustrated when one of your stakeholders didn’t agree entirely with what you believed was the key priority? Have you ever felt perplexed by the behaviour of one of your relatives at a family event? Have you ever felt disappointed when you didn’t achieve all that you unrealistically set out to achieve for the day?
Whenever we feel frustrated, perplexed or disappointed about work, our clients, our stakeholders, our partners, our families and, more often of course, ourselves, these feelings (and more) are all common signs of misalignment between our expectations and reality.
What might we do to avoid these uncomfortable feelings of misalignment?
Neve received some excellent advice prior to embarking on her trip: “Manage your expectations and remember the plan is flexible”.
What great advice for life, I thought, not just for her trip! And, as with a lot of great advice, it’s easy to say and hard to do. So what might you do when you find yourself deep in the mental noise of dissonance?
Pause. Take a breath. And accept what’s happening right now. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with what’s happening; just accept that it is happening. Then make an adjustment. Be deliberate about what you choose to do next.
As James Clear so aptly put it, "You are not the cause of everything that happens to you, but you are responsible for how you respond to everything that happens to you."
Questions for reflection
Here are 3 questions for you to ponder. You might also like to ask them of your team:
What unrealistic expectations might you be holding of yourself right now?
What is it about your current reality that might serve you better to accept?
Your response is your choice. How would you like to respond?
Wise words
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
Development Toolkit
Appreciating team members’ strengths
As you know we like to share a tool or concept that you might like to use to continually enhance your team. As the end of the year approaches, I like to reflect on what I’m grateful for, and often one of the first things that pops into my head is “my team”.
With that in mind, this edition we’re sharing a simple yet powerful exercise - basically a gratitude exercise for teams - which enables team members to reflect on others’ positive attributes and appreciate strengths and differences within the group.
It’s a great way to finish the year on a positive note and it is ideal for building strong, positive relationships in groups and teams.
You can download the activity sheet free here.
If you decide to give it a run, we’d love to hear about your experience - please do drop us a line at hello@peoplemastery.com and let us know.
And if you’re interested in talking with us about how we can support you to develop your team please book in a chat with me for more information.
Good Read
Here’s a book I’m reading and how I’ve found it useful:
The One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey by Ken Blanchard, William Oncken and Hal Burrows
One of the most common challenges leaders share with me is how to delegate effectively.
It’s the art of creating clear expectations (there’s that word again!) and ensuring those expectations are delivered by team members in your charge.
This book uses ‘the monkey’ as a metaphor for ‘the next step’ in any process of work. All too often the monkey leaps from your team members’ shoulders to yours (ever found yourself saying, “leave it with me, I’ll have a look at it”?), and before you know it you’ve got a troop on your back!
The authors provide a simple framework for identifying and assigning monkeys and ensuring that there is effective supervision so that all monkeys are healthy, fed and well cared for. Their framework ensures that your team members are doing their work (feeding and caring for monkeys) and you are doing your work (managing monkey carers).
One thing I particularly liked was the differentiation between assigning work (giving people one monkey at a time) and delegation proper (giving them a family of monkeys to manage).
The authors also talked about different types of time; Boss-imposed time, System-imposed time, Subordinate-imposed time and Self-imposed time. It’s interesting to review your diary and observe your current ratio, consider what your desired ratio might be and think about how you might make some adjustments.
If you’d like a quick insight into the book and more detail on the concepts above, have a look at this shorter HBR article.
We’ve also just developed a neat mini workshop based on this book, so please get in touch if you think that might help.
A thing of beauty
Anyone dreaming of a white Christmas?
Here’s a pic taken recently by my Dad in Scotland for you all to enjoy.
