Copenhagen Bakery

What happens when the one thing missing from your priority list is you?

I had a light bulb moment recently, sitting alone in a bakery during a family trip to Copenhagen.  My husband, daughter and I love exploring new destinations; we have that in common.  But we also approach things differently.  They are both skim readers of information boards in museums, where I like to read every word.  I’m the early morning person, and they like to sleep in.  My daughter is a ‘2 things max per day’ girl, where I’m always keen to sneak in a wee bit more! 

I found myself going along easily with their plans and desires and having a wonderful time - and yet reflecting, were there some different things that I had wanted to do more?  Had I foregone a trip to “another palace” because no one else wanted to?  I certainly could have gone myself.  No one was stopping me.  In fact, my husband would have encouraged me.  But I had settled for the easy path - doing what everyone else wanted to do. 

That’s how I came to be sitting alone in a bakery in Østerbro enjoying a long black and a cardamom scroll the morning before we flew home to Australia.  I could have been on a palace tour that morning IF I’d prioritised my own desires earlier.  Realising the night before that I WOULD like to go on that tour, I discovered I was too late, the early tours were booked and I had missed out. Whilst some quiet time with a delicious danish pastry may have seemed like a consolation prize, it was a small yet significant acknowledgement to my inner self that I can pick me.  

That’s how I came to be thinking about the notion of settling for things.  Settle.  Settle down.  Just settle.  Settlement.  She settled.  I feel like the interpretation of the term ‘settle’ contains a dichotomy.  ‘She is settled’ seems to me to be about finding comfort, contentment, tranquility, equanimity - whilst ‘she has settled for…’ seems to be about forgoing something, accepting less than you desire, giving up on something, sacrificing your wants and needs in the face of other demands.

I wondered what if, instead of prioritising others, I gave myself permission to choose me?  Choose my path?  Choose my dreams?  Choose to put myself first for a change?

I feel that choosing myself and my path can feel risky sometimes.  I might upset someone, I may be perceived as selfish, I might make a mistake.  Something might go wrong and I might feel regret. 

But what is the risk, or the cost if you like, of not putting myself and my needs first, at times?  That feeling of regret could show up on this side of the equation too - regret for what I haven’t done or tried. Even a feeling of resentment that I might mistakenly attach to others, but is actually my inner self resenting my lack of action in following my own path.  Worst of all is the risk of disappointment.  Disappointing myself that I didn’t even attempt to give something that is important to me a red hot go.  

In taking risks, calculated ones if I’m clever, I shall inevitably encounter failure.  I haven’t had many failures and I think that’s a problem.  In fact I’ve struggled to think of any particular examples of failure except for perhaps submitting the odd quote for a piece of work that wasn’t accepted by potential clients, but that feels very small.  Now that I turn my attention to failure I do remember (how could I have forgotten!) that I did have a failed marriage - failed in the sense that we didn’t ‘live happily ever after’- but ever the optimist I see that those 10 years taught me a lot about myself, if only in hindsight.

And in thinking about my failures (or rather my lack of) my hypothesis is that perhaps I’m not taking enough risks, because maybe I’m settling for what I have now, what I’m doing now, who I am now.  If I took more risk I’d be stretching myself and my ideas more.  Whilst I might have more failures, I may also have more successes, and chances are I might move more quickly towards becoming even more me.

Ideas are never a problem for me (just ask my team!) - I’ve often got something ‘new’ to share. The issue is execution: putting those ideas into practice, piloting them, iterating and actually putting them out into the world.  At 53 I’ve seen a lot of things, done a lot of things and am now emerging into a time in my life where there is a little more spaciousness to return to me.  A time to return to my own thoughts and ideas, goals and dreams, wants and needs.  Who am I now?  What do I want now?  What would I like to be doing differently now?  I’m not prepared to ‘settle’.  Not yet.  Maybe, not ever.  I want to continue to learn and grow, to stretch my thinking and my capabilities.

Over the coming months I’m embarking on some risky business.  I’m going to follow my intuition and my joy and launch two new products which are aimed at women like me, in (or approaching) their second season.  I’m going to challenge my own complacency, endeavour to move closer to my true self, try some new things, observe my failures and successes and congratulate myself for backing ME. 

I’m wondering what you might do?  How might you take a teeny risk, inch outside your comfort zone, and be okay to try something new in service of yourself even if you fail?  

If my journey feels weirdly familiar and you find yourself asking these questions too then consider joining me. Where better to explore what else might be out there for you than in a group of like-minded women that get where you’re at? You’ll get to be honest, unfiltered, curious, and hopefully a little stretched, you’ll have fun on the journey and realise you don’t have to travel alone.

If you’re interested, check out The Reading Room. I’d love to share the journey.